sing me anything... [entries|friends|calendar] ♥Aubs♥ HOME INFO FRIENDS CALENDAR ADD ME ---------------------------------------------------------- Name: Aubs Age: 15 D.O.B.:December 19th Location: Baltimore School: Kenwood Grade: 10 Favorites: Ryan, music, friends, motocross, surfing, hockey, band, local shows, livejournal... anything else you can ask me. This journal is my way just to reminsce about my day, vent if I need to and just remember the things that are important to me. It's my way to escape everything around and just have some me time. If you don't like what i've written simply get over it. This is MINE meaning I can do what I want with it. I'm typically not vulgar and I hope no one is offended with what I choose to write about and if you are then I apologize. Please feel free to leave comments if you wish. A I M E M A I L ---------------------------------------------------------- Upcoming Shows Who: Five Shots Later Watchword and more… Where: Ohara's Irish Pub When: August 13th All day from 2 on... but FSL goes on at 9 and Watchword at 8 Charity event for the John's Hopkins Children's Center ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Who: Long tomorrow, The sparks, Scoundrel, and another TBA Where: The Recher When: Sunday, September 4th Doors open at 6… Long Tomorrow goes on at 6:30 Cost: 5 dollars preordered… 5 more at the door if under 21 [ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ] [ calendar | livejournal calendar ]

EVERYONE!! [Sunday, April 22nd, 2007] CHECK YOUR FRIENDS LIST TO SEE IF I ADDED YOU! MY NEW LJ IS star_lit_seas ADD ME BACK! 11 stars aren't out tonight but neither are we to look up at them

[Thursday, October 26th, 2006] [ mood | crushed ] [ music | silence ] long time, no talk i know... but i need to get this out because i'm breaking apart. how is it that life can be coming together, yet falling apart all at the same time. Coming together= + i made all county for the 3rd straight year in high school + everytime i've auditioned for an all county position in band i've made it since middle school + i'm playing with the navy band + i have my allstate audition the 18th and i'm ready to keep serious butt + i was nominated by coaches in the state to play for the All-State field hockey team this equals scouts and scholarships + i made all division + i got the assist to win our overtime game at parkville sending us to our 3rd round of finals  + we marched the hanover parade in 35 minutes - Julia's father passed away today - Ryan's grandfather has either already passed or is currently in the process of passing away sometime this evening or in the immeadiate future - the love of my life is upset and i am unable to console him or be there for him and it's killing me - i got slashed in the wrist at my game today - i can't get ahold of Ryan and i'm extremely scared everything is going up yet crashing down around me all at the same and it's so hard to handle... God just watch over me, and watch over the Behlers + Pawlikowski's they both mean so much to me. right now i need God, and i can't find him... it's an awkward feeling. i just know i want everything to be okay, and i know it's not. i can't be happy and celebrate my accomplishments, nor to i want to with the surrounding circumstances i just ask all of you to keep these people in your prayers this evening. I Love You guys so much my depression is in a nose first dive... and i want Ryan, but right now.. Ryan needs me more than i need him right now. And i'm going to be there for him, but he matters more to me than life itself i just want to make him better. i dont want him to hurt anymore... and it's so hard to be so helpless and defenseless and to know that i can't make him stop hurting. and because i'm irish, i'm going to say my blessing: May the road rise up to meet you, may the wind be always at your back, May the sun shine warm upon your face, and the rain fall soft upon your fields, and until we meet again, May God hold you in the palm of His hand. 12 stars aren't out tonight but neither are we to look up at them

last hockey game for 4 months [Monday, June 19th, 2006] [ mood | aggravated ] [ music | the game ] COME ON EDMONTON GOOD GOD! Things that are pissing me off with this game--  - the fact that Carolina is hitting like hell - the fact that during the power play for Edmonton, a Carolina player TRIPPED one of the attack players of the Oilers - the fact that Carolina scored a minute and 26 seconds into the game - the fact that Carolina has the home advantage!!  UGH!   12 stars aren't out tonight but neither are we to look up at them

woo!! [Wednesday, June 14th, 2006] [ mood | content ] [ music | the game ] YAH EDMONTON OILERS!!! WE'RE GOING TO GAME 6 OF THE STANLEY CUP FINALS! 12 stars aren't out tonight but neither are we to look up at them

EVERYONE! [Saturday, March 4th, 2006] if you want to go bowling tonight PLEASE let me know... the details are: Perry Hall Lanes... 9:30-11:30 any other questions as me but pleassssee tell me soon cause we need 2 people for this to work out the right way like we all want it too... but neither are we to look up at them

HEY EVERYBODY!!! [Thursday, February 9th, 2006] hey guys. i have a new lj... i needed a fresh start for the new year... this is it paintxtheskyred  add me... i've already added most of you... it's friends only... please add me back... if you don't i suppose you didn't see this, and i'll just repost this a few times, or comment on your latest posts. see ya guys on the other one. P.S: i'm still going to have this one =] but neither are we to look up at them

let's be happy with what we have enjoy the beauty in these days... [Thursday, November 24th, 2005] [ mood | blah ] [ music | A letter to someone like you- Atreyu ] Happy thanksgiving everyone. I haven't been up to much lately, just mostly school and what not. I really hope that everyone has a good day with their families today. I wish i could do that but i really don't have a real family to spend mine with... Ryan's out of town, and everything but my immediate family has fallen apart and doesn't talk anymore. Therefore, my favorite statement of holiday's stands true for yet another year: holiday's suck and i hate them. This is all that has happened this week. Sunday- Ryan came over for the last race for a little bit and we ate ice cream, played in the leaves, and just layed around... i had a lot of fun, and if you're interested in seeing pictures of us in the leaves lol... i posted some on my myspace www.myspace.com/xsleeptodream. Monday- did absolutely nothing really, got my make up work and what not, then came home and talked to Ry and made plans Tuesday. Tuesday- did nothing through out the day. I stayed after and waited for Ry and he came home with me since it was his birthday and i wouldnt really have the chance to spend it with him. So he came over and i gave him his presidents and we just sat around and talked and goofed off and what not and had a good time. Then he left and i got ready for my ring ceremony. I went to that, and all i have to say is that i would have much rather gone out to dinner with Ryan then go to that. I don't know why i did especially when i already got my ring like 3 months ago but oh well. Wednesday- school and then stayed after to play some hockey. Everyone else cancelled out so it was me, Ryan, Felts, Stark, and Billy. It was colder then hell and we just screwed around and acted like idiots. Then i went and got my stuff, Ry's dad came to get us and we went back to his house. We ate dinner, and watched Lord of the Rings: Return of the King. We just layed around as usual and chilled. Woke up this morning feeling even worse then i have been the past week that i've been sick. Then Ryan called to wake me up and we talked for a few minutes then he went for a while, called me back for like another 10 minutes and then left for Delaware... i was not a happy camper at all. I miss him a lot, and just i know i've seen him a lot lately, but still it's hard knowing that there's no way that i can even try and see him. I'm thankful for somethings this Thanksgiving: Ryan, June 4th, 2003, and being in love- for everything he has done for me, and just the love that he gives to me every second of everyday. His support and just for caring about every aspect of me and my life. My family- for all of their love and support, and always looking out for me the few true friends i have: Ryan- who is not only my boyfriend but my best friend in this entire world, Jordan- my best friend that i love to death and have for 6 years now, Lauren- for being there for me and just always being the best, and Megan- whom i miss dearly but still love and miss the memories that we've made... but she's always been there and always cared... she's helped me through a lot of hard times where i needed someone to make me smile. my field hockey girls: Laur, Eckert, Parsons, Carrico, Felts, and the rest of them. I've been with most of these girls for over 3 years now and although we may have our problems sometimes we are a family and i would do anything for them. They have made the past 3 seasons a blast. Maxie- the dog- my best friend who can always make me smile, and although he's just a pet he means a lot to me and i love him. having a good life for the most part- things in my life aren't always good, and most of the time it rarely is ever good but it's the fact that i'm still alive and i'm doing okay. all the memories i've made- both good and bad because they are things that no one will ever be able to take away from me. That's about it kids, eat a lot and have an awesome day. I love you all... later 11 stars aren't out tonight but neither are we to look up at them

I'd give it all, i'd give for us, give anything but i won't give up... [Wednesday, November 9th, 2005] [ mood | sleepy ] [ music | Far Away- Nickelback ] Oh em gee... look who's back to livejournal =P This will be a long one but at least read the first paragraph. I missed you guys. Believe me when i say that this is the first opportunity i have had to finally update lmao... i've been so busy and if you have tried to do something with me than you know i'm not lying when i say that. Here's essentially what i'm gonna do with this. I'll update about today, and about the 4 main things going on in my life and that should do it. I should have my routine of updating nearly everyday back in line within a few days for those of you who actually missed me. If you don't wanna read the whole thing the thing that talks about what i've been up to is down by the bottom. So today was alright not too exciting but not too bad overall. Human services= writing a letter to someone who's helped us in our life. Translation: GHEY AP History= took our chapter quiz... i didn't read the chapter. Go figure. Still passed with a 60 lol... but i was one of the 4 people to pass. I didn't have math today cause i was in Band 3rd and 4th periods... we had a seminar/workshop thing on Persian music. It was alright other than i almost fell asleep. The guy could hardly speak English and wouldn't look at us at all... only McCracken. Forensics= started a lab and what not Lunch= same as anyday CIP= typed what's new. AP English= test which i know i got an A on, and then read the crucible. For first quarter i have either 4 A's and 3 B's or 5 A's and 2 B's i'm not quite sure but none the less that's one hell of a report card during hockey/band season for Aubrey Martin lol. Now for my life update... Hockey- So hockey season is sadly over. However, we've still been out there practicing and it's the most fun i've had for a long time on that field with some of those girls. It's great getting to know some of them better and see their true colours come out. Especially, Lancaster... i love her to death without being the "in season" Lancaster lol. There's been some new conflicts but i'll live with them, nothing i wasn't expecting anyway lol. I'm way excited for tomorrow... the lovely Katie Ballance and some of her friends are coming to play with us tomorrow... it should be an awesome time. I've been looking forward to it since she said something about coming. So i'll post it in here.. IF YOU ARE INTERESTED IN JUST SCREWING AROUND PLAYING FIELD HOCKEY AFTER SCHOOL AT THE KENWOOD FIELD LET ME KNOW! i'll give ya information it really is a lot of fun. You need NO experience at all... I can't wait for next season... especially since i'm probably getting my knee surgery soon and then i can definitely be an All Star so woo for that... my chances are great right now, but theyll be even better without a broken knee lol Band- Marching band is officially over thank God. I'm second chair behind Julz for concert band which is alright i guess. I made all county honor band again this year so woo for that... i'm 3rd chair out of 12 so i'm pretty proud of myself =] I play at the Meyerhoff on Monday and i'm excited. That's pretty much it. School- School is well school things have gone really well... as you saw when i posted my grades up there... i'm proud of myself for not succombing to the stress and hanging in there and getting kickass grades when my stress levels were out of control... so now without the stress i expect straight A's... i will get them this year. I HAVE to lol. The only bad part is that select people really should just spontaneously combust. I hope they do lol. Ryan- Things are great as usual. We've have a lot of good times followed by plenty of bad but we're getting through it. We've just hit a patch where things are being thrown at us... i'll admit it's really rough. But i'm in love with that kid and i will do ANYTHING to stay with him. I couldn't imagine living without him. He's everything to me. It'll be two and a half years next month and i'm excited =] My sweet sixteen is in 40 days and i'm excited... it sucks having a last birthday but oh well =] Ryan's is in 13 days... finally we won't been a million days younger than everyone else... well that is until January rolls around =P... But alright kids, i'm sorry this was so long... but there you have it.. my life for the last few weeks... later kids 11 stars aren't out tonight but neither are we to look up at them

and it's you and me and all of the people and i don't know why i can't keep my eyes off of you... [Friday, October 28th, 2005] [ mood | anxious ] [ music | you and me- lifehouse ] Hey everybody i'm looking for some people to go to the mall with Ryan, Kristin Holste, and I tonight... if you wanna go PLEASE let me know... love you guys, and i'm not dead... and i promise there will be a real update soon. but neither are we to look up at them

and i don't want the whole world to see me cause i don't think that they'd understand... [Friday, October 7th, 2005] [ mood | sleepy ] [ music | Iris- Goo Goo Dolls ] So yea its almost been two weeks again and once again i'm going to apologize for being a sucky updater i just simply don't have time... or i've been too tired. Everything is almost over thank God... and then i promise i'll update more... I'm not going to make a real update, i just wanted to let everyone know that i'm still alive lol. i love you guys... later kids 12 stars aren't out tonight but neither are we to look up at them

i never wanted this... but they gave it to you so you might as well be proud of it [Saturday, September 24th, 2005] [ mood | anxious ] [ music | Fake Sounds of Progress- Lost Prophets ] So yea i've been sucking at updating lately i have had no time at all. I'll give a little update on all of the main things in my life going on right now. School- Its been hell lately. Just a lot of work... easy work however, but just a lot of it. I currently have A's in all of my classes except for like english but don't get me going on that. Overall it hasn't been that bad. The kids in my math class should die... and just i can't wait to get this half of the year out of the way. Hockey- it isn't as worth it as it once seemed to be. We're losing, horribly at that and the frustrating part is that we really don't suck just we have a lot going on. I've started every game which makes me happy being a junior and all, and i've busted my butt everyday whether it's in practice or in a game. We're already almost halfway through our season and our next game is against Overlea on Thursday... it should be a good one since it will be all about revenge from the previous game. My knee is still crap it's getting worse the day and i'm really praying to God i can it through the season. I got hit in the spot with the problem pretty hard in the last game, and it isn't too happy right about now. And now i have something even bigger to worry about. My right knee is starting with the same problem, in the same place. It's from my knee brace hinge hitting it, and from putting too much pressure on it, and making it compensate for my bad knee. So we'll see how that goes. Band- wow. just wow is all that will be said. Only two more field shows this year and about a million parades but theyre ok. Umm... i love marching band and field hockey clash almost everyweek... and i love the way my knee feels after double practices. I'm hating being a squad captain this year but i'll get over it. No one wants to be here this year which is bringing me down, but i understand cause i don't wanna be there either. We are going to Disney this year from April 5th-10th... it'll be a good time and i'm pretty sure that i'm rooming with Erin, Julia, and Shannon. I love them so it'll be even more fun. Ryan- still great as usual. We had a bit of a rough point which wasn't our fault a little while ago, but we made it through that... everything is good now =/ kinda. It will be a year and 4 months on the 4th of October... i'm excited. We've gotten a lot closer over the past few weeks and i love it. He's the only thing keeping me sane right about now. I love him to death. That's about it lately kids... i'll try and update better, i'm just really busy... i love you guys.... later kids but neither are we to look up at them

it's something unpredictable but in the end is right, i hope you had the time of your life... [Friday, September 9th, 2005] [ mood | loved ] [ music | Good Riddance- Green Day ] So i apologize immensly for never updating lately... just school, homework, field hockey, and band have really kept me going... my typical night looks like this... school until 2:15... practice from 2:30-4:30... come home around 4:50 do homework until 7ish... dinner until about 7:30.. a shower until about 7:50... phone and then bed. I had a life and then AP started. The work is really easy there's just a whole lot of it. But i'm not going to bore you with everything i'll just do over views of the important stuff: School- is going awesome. I am doing really well in all of my classes... and even though it's only the second week i've been doing A LOT at home and in class but i'm keeping up and i'm pwning all of my work. I'm really in school mode this year which is where i need to be so woo for that. My AP History Class is by far the worse class though i love history but i have at least an hour and a half of homework every night if not more. Which reminds me i have a presidential outline on Adams due Monday... *rolls eyes* and AP English... is so easy it isn't funny. Field hockey- *SCREAMS* So much is going on and our team is constantly fighting especially the two captains... just God i hate girls i really do. I love all the girls on the team just sometimes they really erk me. But we've had two games which i will NOT get into and just ugh... *roars* A little bit of bad news regarding the field hockey department however and my knee situation. Unfortunately i will probably be getting knee surgery in November or December because my knee is completely torn apart. I tore my meniscus which is the cartilidge in your knee... and it can only be repaired by surgery. My coach said that it'll be a few weeks before i'm back on my feet but she said they'll make two small incisions and it'll be done. So hopefully it won't be too bad... her friend just had it done so that made me feel better i'm still kinda scared though. Band- Well just like always McCracken has succeeded in pissing off the entire marching band. I hate it and i really can't stand it anymore. I want to quit but i can't and just ugh. We are going to disney we're about 99% sure... it'll cost $629 but that's not too bad. It should be fun... if we do go i already know who i'm rooming with... Julia, Shannon, and Erin and i love those girls. I have All county coming up in a month and i'm and definitely going to have to cram to get ready. Ryan- Things have been great here... it was another anniversary last Sunday making 2 years, and 3 months. He's great and i love him more than anything. He has been to almost all of our practices and to our home game and just to have him there means everything in the world to me. His support is everything. Today was kind of a surprise to see him for a while though. He came to my practice and i sat out cause my knee was really bothering me and then he goes i wish that you could come home with me... and he called to see if i could, and i called home and luckily things just worked out. So when his dad came to get him, i just went home with them. We had pizza for dinner, watched Ghostbusters, and just layed around... it truly was a perfect night. I love that boy and i would honestly do anything just for a smile But alright i'm gonna leave it at that since i have to wake up at 6:30 tomorrow morning so that i can go to the Reisterstown Parade *rolls eyes* i hate this. Later kids 15 stars aren't out tonight but neither are we to look up at them

you can't tell me it's not worth trying for, i can't help it there's nothing i want more... [Thursday, September 1st, 2005] [ mood | sad ] [ music | everything i do- bryan adams ] Sorry it’s been a while. So the last week of vacation was alright… I saw Ryan once... I had practice everyday from 8-12. And then Ry left that weekend unexpectedly. A pretty sucky way to end my last week off. And p.s- there is going to be a lot about Ry cause I need to vent a bit... (and I’m not venting about him just about the situation we’re in) So school started on Monday which is part of the reason I haven’t been updating… I have 2 AP classes and by the time I get done that, get a shower, and eat… it’s 9. Then it’s time for bed, and then the cycle repeats. The highlight of my week has been practices… we had a game Tuesday but that’s all I’m gonna say about that. But practices have been pretty cool lately... not too much running, and just overall a lot of fun with all of those girls. I love them… but what I love more than anything is the fact that my lovely boyfriend has been coming to my practices. It’s so nice to see him, even though most of the time it’s just before, or during water breaks... but I’d give anything for that. It’s nice during drills to be able to look over at him and just see him sitting there, and during water breaks I can kiss him or hug him… I love it, and I love that he is there and supports me. When he is there and I am so much more motivated… it isn’t that I want to show off, it’s that I want to make him proud... I don’t want to let him down like I have everyone else. And although I know that he’ll love me and be proud of me anyway, it gives me that extra little push that I need. With that boy, I’d do anything for a smile or a laugh... just to know that in that moment he was happy or even for a second I brightened his day a little bit. I’d do anything for him. On that note, I’m scared. I’m scared that I’m going to be ripped away from him. As you know with the idiotic president that we have, and the war, and now hurricane Katrina gas prices are out of control. I’m now on house arrest as in I can’t go out and have fun and be a teenager anymore. It’s to school and back the money isn’t really the issue just if we can conserve that’s better. This means that I can’t see Ryan unless he comes to my practice… now I will find a way to break the system so I can see him just it’s not going to be every weekend. I’ll probably see him every two weeks if that. Just this is horrible. He has been ripped away from me so many times over the course of the 2 years and 3 months (this Sunday =] ) that we have dated and I hate it. I love him with everything I have and just I would take a bullet for him if I had to, not because he is my boyfriend but because he is my best friend above all. I can honestly say that no one knows what him and I have, that probably all of the people reading this have never had something like this before... 2 years and 3 months for one, but just the type of relationship that we have. Everyone thinks we’re crazy because of the way that we keep our relationship but I love it and wouldn’t trade it for anything. We’ve overcome so much, and nothing in our relationship has been easy. We’ve had to work at it but we care enough about each other to keep pushing. I know that we’ll be okay just we’ve never had to face something like this and I know that there will be some days I come into school ready to give up and breaking down because he isn’t there. It’s going to be hard. I’m honestly going to have to live without him for a while and I don’t know how I’ll handle that. I know that I will see him, I just don’t know when and I think that’s what is going to kill me. I’ll let you guys know how this works out. But alright kids I’m gonna leave it at that. Later... 12 stars aren't out tonight but neither are we to look up at them

i locked you out, these tears, these hatred cries in my head, you died in my head... [Tuesday, August 23rd, 2005] [ mood | sore ] [ music | Walked Away- 3rd Strike ] I figure since i'm bored and i have some time finally i should up date. So all this week i have double practices all this week. Well kinda... we practice from 8-10 and then take a 30 minute break and then from 10:30-12. It been going by really fast which i'm not complaining about at all. The team looks pretty good but we have A LOT to work on in order to win our division, but i really think that we can do it. Today was one of the worst practices so far for me because my knee was freaking out the entire time for some reason... but it was also one of the best when it comes to "competitions". An update on my knee for those of you who know i have a problem... right now we are looking at torn cartilidge in it meaning that if it IS torn that i'm most likely out for the remainder of the season. I'm gonna try and suck it up and get through the season though. Anyway, so we ran a safari and i was okay luckily. Then we just started with stick work which we definitely need work on. After that there was a fast dribbling contest and the top 3 got to sit out, i was thankfully one of those 3. Then we had a pair passing drill and it was me and Kayla C. and the 2 teams that came in first got to sit out... Kayla and i were one of them. So i got off the hook a lot tonight. Then we did run to type drills which i love though my knee freaks everytime i suddenly stop on it. Then we took a break and did another competition. You could either slap or drive into the goal and if it went in you were safe, if you missed you had to run a quarter lap. We did this twice... i was safe both times. Then we finally had a scrimmage. We split up into two fields and went across the field to do it. This is the part of my day that sucked. We were playing and what not and i was on wing as usual... and Ondeck was giving a lecture and Lauren was getting ready to take a free hit. I was wide open... and she hit it up to me and i was on a break away... as i was running i could see Aja's shadow.. the next thing i know i'm being tripped unintentionally... the way i fell i was going down on my bad knee, but to save it i shifted my weight onto the good one. Then i slammed right into the ground... i felt the two bones smash together and i was not a happy kid. Then i look up and i had one particular girl all up in my face and i really wanted to say "do you mind getting the hell away from me"... the only people i really wanted there was Ms. Ondeck, Lauren, or Kayla E... there are other people i wouldn't mind but those 2 i def. wouldn't have minded. So ms. ondeck is lecturing the team about not taking out team mates and all lmao as i'm rolling on the ground because i'm in so much freaking pain for like 5 minutes... and then Jenn Bahr and Kayla C carried me over to the sidelines. I ended up standing up and hobbling back over to the field to play but Jenna and Kristen made me sit down. Then i was going to run the stuff at the end but Ondeck said no. Then i walked down to wait for my dad which was a funny experience all on its own. I was on one side of the lot and Kayla E was on the other and we yelled back and forth and she goes come over here in the shade i'll carry you... and i told her no i would walk, and she said nope hop on and carried me piggy back across the lot, and then she went and got my stuff. I love that girl, that's my inner =] So i came home and relaxed and talked on the phone for a while and now i'm here. I have practice tomorrow and come hell or high water i WILL practice... unless i absolutely have to stop. I can't afford another knee injury... and i can't take the pain of another bad knee. We'll see how it all goes. So far field hockey this year has been really awesome. I've pushed myself harder than i ever have before, i have ran everytime (other than today because i wasn't allowed) and i have ran the entire time. Also, it has been an awesome friendship gaining experience. I met this girl Lauren... she's senior this year. She's extremely nice and overall she's just awesome. She knows how i feel with the knee thing... she just hurt her knee so we're kinda going through this together. We run together during practices, and we pair up when we can. I have a lot of friends on the team, but the majority of them have best friendson the team that they pair up with and i don't... but now there is her and i love it. I don't know what it is about her but i already trust her... which is a rare thing for me to do with anyone in this amount of time of knowing someone. I feel like I could confide in her if I needed to and just I don’t know how to explain it. I really hope I get to know her better. That’s all for now… later kids 12 stars aren't out tonight but neither are we to look up at them

It's too late for me, no one will know that im down here... believe your dreams of me sinking... [Wednesday, August 17th, 2005] [ mood | depressed ] [ music | Car Underwater- Armor for Sleep ] (*sorry but this is a "deep entry" so it's going to be long...) And slowly it creeps back... depression rises up again... with no warning, no reason... I've either been a band or field hockey... field hockey started monday and i reinjured my knee i can't walk steps too well and i'm so immensely sore and tired. I feel accomplished though because we ran a tour today... meaning that we ran from the field hockey field, around the tech wing, down the student parking lot entrance, down stemmers run road, up through the entrance in front of the cafeteria, and back out to the field hockey field... and i didn't stop once to walk, and i didn't get a cramp... and even with a bum knee, and i came in 5th out of over 20 girls. That's something huge for me and i'm proud of myself. But other then field hockey today Ry picked me up and we went grocery shopping with his dad. We had our own list and cart and i know half the people assumed that it was just us. Some old guy asked us if we were doing a Home Ec project... and we were just like no and shrugged him off. So that took an hour and then we went back to his house. We unloaded everything, and sat around and talked to his brother for a little bit. Then we went and got in the pool with TJ and Chelsea for about an hour and a half. Then we got changed and we all ate tacos for dinner... and after that we listened to music, watched TV, and then ate ice cream and watched homevideos of Ry and TJ. That was interesting, and we all had a lot of good laughs out of them. So as you can see tonight was bonding night in the Pawlikowski household. It was great though... me and Chelsea somewhat finally broke the ice, and i'm getting to know his brother better finally after 2 years of being around. I finally feel like i'm starting to fit in there... i mean i always have felt like it but just now things are perfect. I really wish i would have just had some time with Ry though because i REALLY needed that tonight... but it just didn't happen we had a minute or two here and there but it didn't happen. But i guess the trade off was a good one... i just really wanted to be with him and tonight i really couldn't be. Then my mom came to get me and i'm back here. It's been a long day and i'm in an apathetic/depressed type state. Some of that is due to the homevideos... watching him and his brother tonight in them just really made me wish that i had had that type of childhood. I mean don't get me wrong mine was great... but when you grow up with a brother 11 years older with ADHD and your dad being a cop and on a year of midnight... and when you were pawned off to daycare for most of the day, and school, and on the weekends you can't go out and play because there are no kids in your neighborhood... it just makes you think which was the case tonight. After my mom called to say she was outside i went up to Ry's room to get my stuff and i just sat on his bed and starting breaking down. I've noticed that over the past few weeks i've been shutting things out and feeling down about myself. Just i haven't been telling anyone how i feel or what's going... and just it's tearing me apart piece by piece, and burning into a pile of ashes on the ground. I know that i have at least 2 people there but i've even been shutting them out... feeling like they don't have time or they have their own issues to deal with and they don't need my typical, stupid, unimportant stuff on their plate too. I never feel like my problems are big enough... or that they have enough time. And as much as i know that they'll be there i still shut them out because no matter what, that will always be my frame of mind. Also, i've been feeling like i'm not good enough for the world. Like i could always be prettier, or push myself harder, or be a better hockey player, a better student/daughter/friend/girlfriend... just everything... and the sad thing is i always think that... always. I've never been much of one to believe in myself, and i never will be. For once i wish someone other then him could look me in the eyes and see the pain behind them, see who i really am not who i seem to be... if only someone would look a little harder and a little deeper... but people no adays only look on the surface a little past the surface. Yet the more i think about it... there really is no one out there that will ever be able to do that and even if there is i will shut them out because i'm too afraid to be ridiculed for my past, lied to about things, or pushed away until they need someone... As a side note to me wanting someone to look me in the eyes- the sad thing is i can't look people in the eyes, some people i just can... but most of them i can't... and the people that catch a glimpse of my eyes are always like "oh my god i love your eyes they're really pretty" and just if only i could let everyone see them... but i can't. Once, just once in my life i want to be proud to be who i am and once i just want the chance to show people who i really am... i just the chance to be me. 13 stars aren't out tonight but neither are we to look up at them

he's everything you need, he's everything in side of you that you wish you could be... [Saturday, August 13th, 2005] [ mood | calm ] [ music | everything- vertical horizon ] Okay so lately people have been talking to me about all these shows coming up...so i decided that on the sidebar type deal on the righthand side of my layout i was going to include a thing for upcoming shows... so far i only have two listed but i will have more as time goes on... if you know of any coming up please tell me, and keep checking back... i'll try and update that column as often as i can... for those of you who can not find it just scroll down a bit to where it says upcoming shows... give me input please... later but neither are we to look up at them

So now I need you to tell me the truth you know I'd do that for you so why are you running away... [Saturday, August 13th, 2005] [ mood | ecstatic ] [ music | Running Away- Hoobastank ] So ya things have been a little hectic lately i'm not going to update on anything from band camp except Chuck E. Cheese, and Gunpowder for the simple reason of it's too much to remember, and i know that half of you could care less... and the one's that do were there. Chuck E. Cheese was a lot of fun... i rode over with Julz. When we got there we waited for shannon and elizabeth joined us and we got a table behind collin and chad.... then we went up and ordered our pizza and got drinks and while we were waiting we stole pepperoni's off of Mike's pizza while they were playing games. Then we finally got ours and we stuffed our faces... however we still stole 2 pieces from Chad and Collin. The one piece we fed to Devin... the second piece Julia and Shannon cut in half and Shannon shoved the whole thing in her mouth... and collin and chad turned around and asked her how the pizza was and she started spitting it out... it was freaking hilarious. Then we played games and climbed in the tubes and then i went home around 5:30. Then Thursday was freaking hotter than the gateway of hell. We marched outside to finish learning the field show for 2 hours straight. Then we went in for sectionals... and headed to gunpowder at 12... Our idiot bus driver got lost and we ended up in front of Ryan's house. Then we finally got to the park, i called Ry and then he came over. First we played field hockey for a little bit, and then headed down to the water... that was interesting to say the least... my white and blue rashguard was now dinge and blue. Then we headed back up got changed, played more field hockey, did the squad olympics stuff and then the joy of it all being me tearing a pinecone covered in sap in half, and having it stick to my fingers the rest of the time. Ryan had to feed me my hotdog cause it would have stuck to my hands, i had to have my hand removed from the ketchup bottle. I could hold my drink just by touching it... it was great... NOT! So Ry rode his bike home to get me some paint thinner since that takes sap off and rode all the way back just in the knick of time. God i love that kid... so then i got on the bus and headed for killdrill. When we got back to school i ran to the bathroom took the sap off my hands, washed down with bugspray, grab my picc and knee brace and was out the door. We ran through it like 3 times and then it started counting... this was the shortest killdrill ever, but it felt like the longest. I was seriously dehydrated... luckily McCracken let the counselors give us only one piece of ice. We finished in 1 hour and 56 minutes and had only 46 reps... we did awesome. Then we ate popsicles and had water at the end, packed up and went home. Yesterday Ry's dad came and picked me up and i went over his house for the day... we played rummy, went swimming, and just relaxed the entire night. It was nice just to kick back and chill for a change. As for today i haven't really been up to anything but around 7, Ryan's coming to get me and we're going to his brother's show... pleeeeeeeease come if you have nothing to do people. It would be greatly appreciated.     Information is... Five Shots Later-  www.purevolume.com/fiveshotslater Watchword-  www.purevolume.com/watchword Ohara's Irish Pub (Corner of Kenwood Avenue and Bel Air Road) People are playing all day from 2 on... but Watchword goes on at 8 and FSL goes on at 9 And people it's a charity event for the John's Hopkins Children's Center so please come out. I'll be there... just call my cell. 12 stars aren't out tonight but neither are we to look up at them

i could have lost my life and i would have lost my mind but now i'm fine... [Friday, August 12th, 2005] [ mood | excited ] [ music | we are the few- streetlight manifesto ] so lately i've sucked at updating... well part of the reason is the fact that i have been at band camp the last week and really haven't had time... and when i've gotten home i havent been in the mood to update... I still don't have the time right now but i promise either tonight or tomorrow i will. but neither are we to look up at them

and the days, and the days they seem like forever... but forever isn't ever enough... [Wednesday, August 3rd, 2005] [ mood | sore ] [ music | point/counterpoint- streetlight manifesto ] Yah so i definitely am horrible at updating now and i'm horrible for it i'm sorry kids... This past week has been AWESOME. Tuesday- went over Ryan's for the day... just lounged around and relaxed. Wednesday- Ryan's dad surprised me and just picked me up and took me over his house... and we went swimming and lounged around. Friday- went back over Ryans... we went to Barnes and Nobles to get his book for summer. Then we went back to his house to find that the power was out because of an accident so we ate pizza that we ordered which was interesting, read our summer books, and played Rummy. When the power came back on we layed around some more. Saturday- I didn’t really do anything… I went to target with my mom and just lounged around all day. Sunday- woke and cleaned like crazy. Ryan came over and then we went to the movies around 7ish. Then we took him home and I layed around the rest of the night. Monday- I had the band staff party thing from 9-12… Julz gave me a ride but thought that it was from 8-12 so she came and got me at 7:45. We get there and there are a bunch of people standing in the lobby asking us where McCracken is… so we told them we just got here and I asked if anyone had bothered to go upstairs and check…. But they all looked at me like I had a million heads. So Julz and I went upstairs and sure enough she wasn’t there yet, so we decided to go to her house and try and find the paper that had the times on it, and then go visit her aunt who was in town from Arizona. So we did that and then went back up to the school. When we got there McCracken was there and everyone was starting to do stuff. So me, Julia, Brittany, and Shannon pulled out all the uniform pants, and put them in order by number and then we folded them and organized them. Then I had to write the names on all of the new shoe boxes and put shirts in them for the freshmen ones. Then I helped out with a bunch of other random things until we finally left at 12:30. It was great to see Shannon, Julia, and Brittany again. They’re great and I can actually stand them. Shannon was all excited because she has blouse number 69 and if you know her, that’s great… but she was upset because someone killed her bass drum and now it has a dent in it. But after we left Julia and I took Collin home and then drove down to chic-fil-a cause we were hungry. Then we ate and she brought me home. After I got in, as usual I sat around the entire night lol. Tuesday- I woke up got a shower, read some of my book, and talked to Ryan. Then Julia came and got me and took me over to band for the uniform fittings from 3-5, and then the rehersal from 6-8. The fittings went well, but it was difficult trying to find blouses for people who have grown and having them try on five thousand of them. Then we played a little bit while waiting for people to get there. Then the rehersal started around 5 of 6. I met Kelly, my little sister, I knew her from Stemmers and helping her out down there… however we never got along really well because of her friend that decided to judge me. But I realized that her and I got along pretty well probably because she had lost her security blanket of having her friend, and it was just easier to get to like me. So that went well. The rehersal didn’t go as bad and I had expected but we have a lot of work to do. But after that I hung out with the band kids for a little bit, ate cookies, came home, talked to Ry, and then fell asleep As for today I’m hopefully going to see Ryan… we’ll probably catch a movie and then hang around back at his house for the day. I love him and his family so much… But that’s all kids I’ll hopefully have time to update soon. Everything is starting to pick up with means band, field hockey, my summer stuff, and then school is not too far away. I’ll do my best. 112 stars aren't out tonight but neither are we to look up at them

so tell me what do I need when the words lose their meaning... [Monday, July 25th, 2005] [ mood | bored ] [ music | sweetness- jimmy eat world ] I haven't updated in a while so sorry about that. I'm gonna try to remember what's been going on the best i can but i doubt that that will happen. All i remember is that the Friday before this one i went to Ryan's uncle's house and just cuddled up and played with the dogs.... his uncle's a bit highstrung but it was cool cause it just reminded me of home when my brother's around. Saturday i don't think i really did anything and then Sunday Ryan came over and watched the race with me and we just lounged around my room since the airconditioner was on and my mom decided to be nice and shock the hell out of me. Monday- i talked with Ryan for most of the day and then he had a family emergency so he had to pack and drive down to OC with his mom and brother. He had no idea what day he was going to be home and we had plans for Wednesday night before i left so i wasn't too happy but i understood what was going on. Then we get a call from my neighbor who is my godmother saying that her husband (my godfather) was at the hospital because of chest pains. So around 8 i headed down there to watch Emily, their daughter who is 15 months old, with my mom and dad and also to find out what was going on. Around 10 she decided to drive up there to see what was going on... so me and my mom watched Emmy for her. So we read and played with her toys, and then i started getting tired and eventually she came up and sat with me, and fell asleep on me. My neighbor got home around 12 and i walked home and Ry called me for a few minutes. Tuesday- i was going to go to Kristin's party but couldn't cause i again had to watch Emily. And Kristin by the way the reason i could not call was because a. i didn't have my cell phone, and b. even if i did i had to watch her. It wasn't because i'm rude it's because i had an emergency and couldn't. So i watched her most of the day and then around 7:30 my parents and i went to TGI Fridays and got food and walked around the avenue, and into barnes and noble for a little bit and bought some books and what not. Wednesday- i packed most of the day and waited to hear from Ryan about when he was getting home that day. Then i got my shower, and got ready so when he got home i would be ready to go. Unfortunately he got home too late and my parents said they weren't going to be able to pick me up at 10 since we were leaving in the morning. So i just talked to him on the phone for a while. Thursday- finished packing and headed around 12. So my neighbors pulled their trailer out in front of us and then we pulled out... but my crazy neighbor started a bunch of crap because my neighbor kicked her pots of crap. So we called the police, and then we had a medical emergency with the other neighbor... so she eventually moved. So we pulled out and stopped at Stop 1 and then we were on our way. Things were going fine for a little while but then our truck started blowing black smoke, and the engine temperature was at 220 and what not so my dad was freaking. Then every time we tried going up a hill it would go about 35 and that's it. We were going to go back and get their Excursion but didn't. We eventually made it to Harper's Ferry and everything was good. So we made house and what not but then every little thing went wrong. So when we finally got things going it was about 2:30 and we had the AC turned on... then we realized the fan stopped working in it. So we took everything apart and fixed that. My dad was freaking and it wasn't a happy evening. So we made a fire, my mom, ms. patti, and i played rummy, and then headed in for the night. Friday- woke up and had breakfast. Then we got ready and headed into Harper's Ferry. That was an interesting experience but it was alright. I can't wait to go back with just my family and walk through everything though cause it was hard to with Emily. Then around 2:30 we headed back to the camp site and went to the pool for a while. When we came back we played games and hung around there. We took Emily to the swings and let her run around the playground. Then we went to the field and played field hockey and lacrosse and watched a lot of the people ask what it is. Then i went to the treasure hunt thing with Josh. Then we started the fire, and played more games and went to bed. Saturday- We pretty much spent a lot of the day at the pool, and playing games at the campsite. Then we went to the arcade for a while. Took Emmy back to the swings. Then we hung out at the site and enjoyed our last night. Sunday- woke up and packed everything up. Took Em back to the playground so that my neighbors could pack without watching her. Then we rolled out around 11:30 and my dog was a pain in the ass the whole ride home. So when we got in we unpacked, watched the race, and then just talked to Ry the whole day. Niki's party was yesterday... i wish i could have gone, and i hope my email went through to her telling her that i would be there if i was home in time and my parents would take me after the drive home from camping... So niki i hope you had a great time and I miss you very much. Tuesday i think i'm going over Ryan's and i can't wait. I love him... and i also have to continue reading this book... which sucks. Okay damn this is going to be long so sorry kids... later... 14 stars aren't out tonight but neither are we to look up at them

would you tell me how could it be any better this... [Thursday, July 14th, 2005] [ mood | happy ] [ music | everything- lifehouse ] So things have gotten better since the last time i posted. The lying is over and it's a good thing... So monday i went over Ryan's for most of the day. He came to get me around 2:30ish and we stopped by at wal-mart and then went over to his house. So we lounged around and watched the lion king 2... and then we lounged somemore and just talked and watched some very interesting things on TV. Then we ate and relaxed somemore and talked about sunday night and everything that went on and got that out of the way. Then we watched some Family Guy and went outside until my parents came. Overall, it was a really relaxing day and i loved it. Tuesday i still had no phone so i just sat around on the computer most of the day. Wednesday- i finally had the phone back so i took advantage of that and just relaxed around the house and talked to Ryan and worked on some stuff. Today i've just been cleaning up my room really well, relaxing, thinking, talking to Ryan, and getting ready to have the house to myself for most of the night. I have no idea what's going on tomorrow or the weekend. But my dad said that we are gonna start working on my basement room next week while we're all home. I've waited 2 years for that and since we are completely remodeling my house that is finally gonna get done. I really don't want to have a sweet 16 party, i just want the same old thing i have ever year with the few friends that i'm close to, and because of that my parents said that my room in the basement will definitely be done by then. Thank God. I can't wait to get started on it, and i know that Ryan is definitely helping me. But that's pretty much it kids... later P.S- i have the greatest boyfriend in the world. He is so understanding about essentially EVERYTHING, he's sweet, caring, loving, he's there for everyone whether he knows them or not and doesn't expect anything in return and just he's absolutely amazing. I'm glad he's mine =] 11 stars aren't out tonight but neither are we to look up at them

you'll never know what happened to me it happens everyday and you wonder what went wrong... [Monday, July 11th, 2005] [ mood | blah ] [ music | vaccuum bag- stroke9 ] so i finally gave in and made a myspace. Here it is www.myspace.com/xsleeptodream  add me please...     Blah last night was pretty sucky... here's to being on the phone until 5 in the morning and being upset again =[ I feel better now then i did then but just it still hurts. It hurt a lot and i forgived but it'll be awhile to forget because that's how i am. I won't use it aganist them but just i'm still in awe that they were capable of doing this. Life moves on, you live... you learn. I just wish trust wasn't so hard to earn back with me....... i just hope this never happens again.... it can't happen again.... 18 stars aren't out tonight but neither are we to look up at them

I wanna grow old with you, I wanna die lying in your arms... [Sunday, July 10th, 2005] [ mood | loved ] [ music | i wanna grow old with you- darryl worley ] Yesterday was awesome. I woke up around 8:15 and went to pick my dog up from the kennel. Then when we got home i just sat around patiently, cleaned my room, and got a shower. Then i started getting ready and tried really hard to just be patient. Then finally after waiting for what seemed like forever Ryan got here. It was so great to see him after almost 3 weeks. So we just chilled around the house for a while, and goofed off and talked and just layed around. Then since my family has no food whatsoever in this house we went over to food lion. Ryan and i got lasanga for dinner and garlic bread, and my parents got their steak and chicken and what not. Then we came back home and we ate our lasanga, and then watched the lion king. After the lion king we took him home and then when i got home we played literati and then he called and we talked for a while. hehe i love that kid... he always knows how to make me smile. Hopefully i'll be able to see him sometime this week... that would be awesome. I need to start reading my summer books cause i'm running out of time... but i actually didn't have that much time to do it over my vacation cause we were always busy. i should have my vacation pictures up realllly soon. i just haven't had time to upload them. Okay that's pretty much all i had to say. later kids. HAPPY BIRTHDAY KRISTIN LYNN HOLSTE... I STILL LOVE YOU 11 stars aren't out tonight but neither are we to look up at them

who's gonna talk to me on the phone til the sun comes up... [Sunday, July 10th, 2005] [ mood | loved ] [ music | we belong together- mariah carey ] Rest of the seventh night in Daytona So we went to the race that night and all day the weather had been great and everything was cool. Well while walking into the track it starts to drizzle. It was drizzling for a while and as time went on it started POURING. So everyone pulled out their ponchos and sat there. We hit around the beach balls going through the stands and watched the annoying drunks behind us. Then I called Ryan to have him look up the weather for me. The race was set to start at 8 but that definitely didn’t happen. So my family got hungry and my mom and I ran down to like 3 freaking concession stands. Then after raining for what seemed like forever it finally completely stopped. By this time it was like quarter of 9 and they had to dry the 2 and a half mile track. At 11 they finally got it going. They ran 10 pace laps that counted and then they let them go full speed. It was one hell of a race and I was very satisfied with the top 10. Tony Stewart won and with my mom being a Stewart fan she was freaking out. So after the race was over at 2 in the morning we walked home. I called Ry for a bit and talked for a little while and watched the drunk people trying to get home. Eighth night- Daytona Beach We woke up and packed up the room and loaded the van. We pulled out around 11 and tried to go to the mall but a lot of the stores hadn’t opened yet. So we went over to the Kmart and got some stuff and then drove up to Salty Dog and Maui Nix trying to find a short sleeve rash guard… but we couldn’t. By that time it was time to check in at Sierra so we headed down there. Once we got there we unloaded everything and hit the beach and pool for a while. When we came in we just kinda relaxed for the rest of the night. I called Ryan we talked for a good long time. Ninth night- Daytona Beach We woke up and went to the winn dixie to get food. When we got back we hit the beach. I went skimboarding and surfing and what not. Then we went up to the pool and then headed in after a while and got ready for the cookout. So we went out back where it was and I played with mickey (the owners 9 month old jack russell puppy) Then we ate and what not and talked and what not. It started raining again and we had to wait for that to blow over before we could walk down to the pier to watch the fireworks. It eventually stopped and we walked the over a mile down there. Then we just walked through some shops and stuff and waited for the fireworks to start. They finally did and they were AWESOME. Then we walked all the way back home I called Ryan, and then crashed. Tenth night- Daytona Beach We woke up later and hit beach for a while. I went skimboarding and what not, and tried to catch some of the little fish that are there, I only succeeded once. Then we went up to the pool and we went back and forth again. My mom and I layed out and tanned and I’m really dark now lol. Then we went in and got ready to go. We went back over to the Kmart, and then headed over to the baseball game. I felt horrible while we were there but it wasn’t too bad. There were all the college guys that we friends with some of the players and they were a riot. One guy would go swing batter batter batter SWING! And it was quite efficient because the other team would keep losing focus and striking out. Then of course they had to mess with the 3rd basemen the ENTIRE game and it didn’t matter if he was playing 3rd or batting lol. One of the 2 groups were realllllllly drunk after a while and the other group didn’t drink at all and were acting as stupid as the other group lol. So the game ended around 10 even after it poured for a little while. We headed home and I called Ryan and eventually fell asleep. Eleventh night- Daytona Beach We were supposed to go to sea world but decided just to stay home so we could have more beach time. We woke up and had breakfast and then as usual hit the pool and the beach for most of the day. Then we just kinda lounged around and relaxed which was nice. We took a nice long walk down on the beach and then when we got home I called Ryan and as usual talked for awhile. It wasn’t very eventful for once. Last night- Daytona Beach We woke up to the London bombings and watched that for a while, had breakfast and then hit the beach and the pool like all day. We came in for a while and ate and took a nap and what not and then went right back out. It was awesome because while we were out there this huge fish jumped out of the water and smacked into my mom’s back. Then when we turned around there were 2 dolphins no more than 10 feet away from us and every time they surfaced you could see their entire back. It was amazing. I tried to go skimboarding but it was a foiled attempt because of all of the wind and it got hurt pretty bad. One time I had fallen off because the wave receeded to fast and I flew down the shore and landed the wrong way on my wrist. Then trying to go out into the wave I went out and the incoming wave was too strong cause I hadn’t picked up to much speed and flew right through the shell barrier. I stood up and my hands were cut up with shells stuck in them bleeding. So idiot me tried again… again I wound up with shells stuck in my hands. So I just gave up and called it a night. Then we hit the pool and went in. Afterwards we all got ready and walked down the street and got ice cream and what not. Then we headed back up and took a walk on the beach. We sat out for a little while and then went in and packed up some more and loaded up the van. Then I called Ryan and when we got off I couldn’t fall asleep so I watched TV until 2:30. The drive home We rolled out of the room around 5:30 and hit every traffic light out so we didn’t get out of Daytona until 6. I fell asleep for a long time and woke up every once in a while or everytime we would stop. I slept on my bad shoulder and now it still hurts like hell. We stopped at burger king for food around 1ish and then just kept driving. We hit traffic at the end of Virginia and the start of Maryland. We ended up getting home at 9. Overall it wasn’t too bad just it takes a lot out of you. But this is how it went- we were in Georgia by 8, in South Carolina by 9:40, in North Carolina by 1:20, in Virginia by 4:20, and in Maryland by 7. We made pretty good timing, not the best we’ve done but whatever. Then we unloaded the van, I ate, and called Ry and cleaned my room up and unpacked. but neither are we to look up at them

here's to the nights we felt alive, here's to the tears you knew you'd cry... [Saturday, July 2nd, 2005] [ mood | lazy ] [ music | here's to the night- eve 6 ] Daytona Part 2~ okay this is the past day and a half i'll update on the second half of today whenever i get the chance to... please ready the entry directly below this to find out what's been going on with me and vacations Sixth night- June 30th Daytona So we “slept in” until 8:30 and then my dad comes in from outside and goes… oh my god… so my mom and I were like wtf… and he’s goes there’s a catfish in the pool. Sure enough in the bottom of the pool lays a catfish. So we watched them take it out and what not and just laid around. Then we decided after a while to walk over to the field to see what was going on over there. So when we got there there was a nice downpour of rain for a bit and when it died down we walked to the next tent to get out of the rain again. Then when it eventually stopped we hit up the haulers and got me stuff from little E’s. Then walked through the tents and got free stuff. Then hit the mall for some food and then came home and went swimming. When we got in we sat around for a bit and got ready for the busch race and headed over there around quarter after 6. We walked through some stores there and what not to find these mugs that we bought the first night and we only found one more so we were and stuff are on a constant hunt for a fourth one. So we headed up to our seats where all of these drunk people were already and kicked them out. We watched the end of the Nextel Cup qualifying in which stupid Little E did HORRIBLY. They started the race a half an hour late… so while we were waiting we watched someones RV go up in flames and explode when it hit the propane, it was so sad to see someone lose everything. Then the race started. It was pretty good whenever there was a wreck and the race restarted and everyone had an ample opportunity… but it would get boring after they would split up. Dale Earnhardt Jr. and another driver both wrecked right in front of us. It was a great race at the end and I stood the entire race other then like 10 laps. Martin Truex Jr. won which I was very happy about. Then we walked home and I called Ry and then went to bed at 1. Seventh night- Daytona We woke up and went to the wal-mart and then drove home as fast as we could. Then we unloaded the stuff and hit the pool… it started raining while we were out there but it was only a quick little shower. Then we came in and I got a shower and we ate and then got ready to walk back over to the field. Oh my god, it was the hottest race day by far at least 100 with the heat index. So we walked over to the haulers and got Ryan stuff 0=D. Then walked around a bit more and got more free stuff and then walked home because its so damn hot. Then we all came in and relaxed and my mom is asleep on the bed and my dad is outside watching the thunderstorm, and I’m on this thing. I’m reallll sleepy but I’m hanging in there. Tonight is the last race… it better be a good one. Then tomorrow I’ll move to the hotel on the beach so woo for that. i hope everyone's doing fine at home... later kids… I LOVE YOU RYAN! 11 stars aren't out tonight but neither are we to look up at them

i don't have to think about it theres no place i'd rather be... [Friday, July 1st, 2005] [ mood | happy ] [ music | sweet southern comfort- buddy jewell ] Hey everybody! i'm in daytona for the races right now... i won't be home until next saturday most likely but this is what i've been up to so far up until yesterday. I'll post pictures when i get home but this is what has been going on. Daytona 2005 First night- June 26th Fayetteville, North Carolina So we left the house around 9 and headed for Richmond. We got there around 11 and walked over to the baseball stadium. We had to wait about a half an hour and then got our tickets for the Richmond Braves/Pawtucket Red Sox game. The Richmond Braves are the feeder team for Atlanta (that reallllly made me think of the lovely Shannon whom I miss very much from not seeing her) and the Pawtucket Red Sox are the feeder team for Boston. The Braves won so yay for that. After the game we drove over to the hotel and that’s when the fun began. So we get over there and my dad was like I have a bad feeling about this but my mom and I reassured him that everything was fine. Then we ride up the “broken” elevator to our floor that has this mold smell to it… then we walk into the room and everything was alright. We went out to the van to bring in our things and unload them into the room. So we do that and decide to walk down to the gas station to see if the mart sold bread so we could have dinner and we walked out to check out the pool. Oh my God. It was dark green and at that point my whole family was livid. So we called the help line, and went to the manager and rolled out of there. We decided that a pool didn’t matter so we would just drive until we wanted to stop. We ended up stopping in Fayetteville, North Carolina 200 miles later. We cancelled our SC reservations and made new ones for another night at St. Simons. Then my parents crashed and I waited for Ryan to finally call me and then after that I fell asleep. Second night- June 27th St. Simon’s Island, Georgia So we woke up at 6:00 and went and had breakfast, packed up, and rolled out. We had about a 5 hour drive to St. Simons and went through a few storms and what not. I basically just slept most of the time. When we finally got here it was 2:15 and we checked into our hotel… however here we go again… we talk to the people and read the sign saying that the pool is closed. I was like what the heck because all I want to do is swim. So we just came up to the room and sat around for a little bit, I talked to Ryan which made me feel a lot better and then we decided to go fishing after the scattered thunderstorm had passed. So we left around 4 to walk down to the pier. It was so humid and windy and we didn’t catch anything or get all but maybe 3 bites in an hour and 15 minutes so we decided to call it a day and just oh the irony. I had just said “nothing’s biting right now let’s come back out tomorrow morning” that’s when the little boy next to me yells “daddy, I caught something” he caught a freaking baby sand shark. Then we went out for dinner at Brogen’s my favorite restaurant ever. I got my salad and chili cheese fries and I was a happy kid and we had the best waitress ever. Then we left to go walk around what they call the village, which is all of these little shops, but all of a sudden there was a huge downpour. We tried to wait it out but it was too bad so we walked/ran home in the rain lol. When we got home we all just kinda laid down and my parents fell asleep in a matter of minutes. I called Ryan and we talked for a little while and then I just watched TV for a bit until I was told to turn the TV off and go to bed. Third night- June 28th St. Simons Island, Georgia So we woke up and ate breakfast and then switched into the room that we were supposed to have. Oh my God, it was raining so freaking hard for most of the day until about 1. So we ventured out to walk through the stores finally and we picked out everything that we wanted to get tomorrow. After that it had finally stopped raining so we decided to go fishing. Everyone was out there since the water was finally nice enough to fish and it was kinda crowded but there was enough room for us. So we fished for a while and got a lot of bites. I got a shark (I could tell because of the force and the way the rod was) but it got off. Everyone around us was catching baby sand sharks (the ones like you see in the blue liquid in the containers that they sell). All of a sudden you saw everyone go to the left side of the pier where they do the deep shark fishing and crowd around and watch this guy reel the heck out of this rod. It took 15 minutes and you heard everyone go “ooo, ahh” lol… so I left my rod there with my dad and ran down the pier with my mom. This guy had a shark… but not a baby, a 43 inch sand shark. They pulled it out of and took pictures to hang in the bait shop and what not, and then tagged him and let him go. The woman had explained everything and it was pretty cool. So we fished for a bit longer and my dad caught an eel which was really need. It was all slimy and what not but I touched it and it was so awesome. After a while we headed in and hit the pool. We went for a little bit since it was cold and then came up and got showered and headed to DQ for ice cream. Then we walked around the village some more and went to the pier and walked around and took pictures for a bit longer. Walking home we ran into some little crabs and my mom was freaking out but they were pretty cool. Then when we got back I got another shower, and called for a bit since my parents like passed out again. Fourth night- June 29th St. Simons Island We woke up later and rushed down to breakfast. It wasn't raining so we decided to go fishing while we could. So we headed over to the pier and they were redoing the tops of them which was pretty cool. I caught 6 croaker fish, and 1 red drum. Then it started raining again, but it was only drizzling, and then all of a sudden a huge cloud burst came over. So we went under the awning. After a while we had just give up and go home. It was pouring and by the time we got back to the room we were soaked. So we sat around for a bit and waited for the rain to stop or at least die down. After it did we walked up to the village to Frederica Station to get the stuff for the house that we wanted. While we were in there it started POURING again. So we walked next store and bought the other things we wanted and tried to wait out the rain but that didn't happen. It started flooding and so we all just took of our shoes and walked home in the pouring rain. In some places it was up half way through my shins, but then again i'm only 5'3. When everyone got home it looked like we were all thrown in the pool. So we sat around and waited and played cards and what not. Around 5:45 we walked down to Brogen's to get something to eat and when we were in there it started raining again. It wasn't that bad but at least it wasn't that heavy. When we went home we packed up everything and played another game of rummy... i called Ryan and then we all went to sleep. Fifth night- June 30th Daytona Beach, Florida So we got up and got breakfast, and then left around 8:00. We got to Daytona around 11:30 and told the hotel that we were here. I had to get changed in the car which was an interesting experience among itself lol and then walked over to the race track. We got our tickets for the Daytona Prototype/touring race and then walked around the field and bought programs and pins and got some free stuff and what not. We then walked over to the mall to get some food, and then a phone cable for the laptop (that turned out that we didn't need it) and then walked into the nascar store to look at some stuff. Then me and my mom went JcPenny's and got some clothes since they were on sale. Then it was raining again so we walked home which wasn't bad. By that time we could check in so we did and loaded all of our stuff in. Then i sat around on this for a little bit and talked to Megan and got ready for the race. So we left and headed over. We got awesome seats and the cars were really neat looking i took lots of pictures. When the race started it was really neat and it looked like all the cars wanted to kill each other when they would go around the turns. It was neat seeing Porches, Corvettes, BMW's, and GT0's racing together in one race and then Daytona Prototypes racing together in another race all on the same track. The only downfall of it is it's hard to keep track of both races going on at once. It took 2 hours and 45 minutes to run 70 laps which is a loooooong time for a race... but since the track was almost 3 and a half miles its understandable. Then we walked home and i got a shower, and then called Ryan and watched TV until around 1 when i finally went to bed. That's where i am now... i'll try and update again with everything soon. I don't know if the next hotel will have internet connection but hopefully we will. I hope everyone's having fun at home. I'm having fun but its been kinda disasterous... but alright kids i think that's it... later! 18 stars aren't out tonight but neither are we to look up at them

aren't you tired because i will carry you on a broken back and blown out knees... [Saturday, June 25th, 2005] [ mood | ecstatic ] [ music | Lip Gloss and Black- Atreyu ] So tomorrow morning i wake up at seven, and roll out of here for two weeks at 8:30. Thank God it's about time i get out of this hell-hole. I'll be home the 8th or 9th of July. I definitely won't miss Maryland one bit while i'm surfing everyday and being where i love to be... i'll miss some people but right now i don't think i'm going to miss very many of them. Umm... feel free to email me snowbabee89@msn.com if you need something and i'll respond the second i can get somewhere with a dataport of somesort or call my cell phone and i'll be glad to talk for a little bit if i can. I'm going to be pretty busy so if you need something just keep calling and i'll eventually call you back. Well hopefully all of you have fun while i'm gone, and hopefully nothing too too interesting will happen... i'll see you all when i get home... Ry- I love you more than anything in the world and i can't wait to get home and see you again... i miss you so much already and it's only going to get worse until i get home. I love you, love Belle... 14 stars aren't out tonight but neither are we to look up at them

then you took my hand and nothing has ever felt the same, no nothing has ever felt the same... [Thursday, June 23rd, 2005] [ mood | accomplished ] [ music | a letter to someone like you- atreyu ] 3 more days and i'm out of Maryland for 2 weeks... hallelujah. I'm not going to mention anything about my days since saturday because nothing really happened... except for yesterday. First off i apologize for all the typos cause i'm using the laptop and the keys are all hard to type on and what not but i'll get to that later. Yesterday was absolutely great. I woke up around 9:45 and got ready and then just sat around most of the morning and waited for Ryan to get here. He had to run some errands with his dad and they eventually got here to pick me up around 12:45. Then we headed to get gas, and went back to his house. So we relaxed for a few minutes and then watched Heavyweights. I freaking loooove that movie. Then after if was over we took a walk... and when we got back we decided to go swimming. So we got changed, and got suntan lotion on... but by the time we were done the thunder started rolling through. So we waited for the storm to pass which only took like 20 minutes... and then attempted to swim again. Oh my God, it was cold. It was nice after you got used to it, but it was still a bit chilly. Then we ate pizza and mozzorella sticks and tried to get back in... that only lasted 10 minutes because by that time it was really cloudy and realllllly cold. So we went in and got changed and i blowdried my hair which took freaking forever. Then we went back down stairs and watched Lion King 1 and a half because we were really tired from the day. We went outside for a bit and looked at the stars for a little bit and then came back in and finished up the movie. I was supposed to leave when my dad got off of work, but that ended up being late because of a really bad call they had gotten. So i ended up leaving around quarter of 11. Then i came home got online, and then talked to Ryan on the phone for a while and fell asleep. This morning Ry called me around quarter of 10 and we talked for about 45 minutes and then he left for Wildwood. I don't get to see him for at least 18 days and probably more than that actually =/. I'm definitely not too happy about that. I'm not used to this anymore and i don't like it at all. I'm trying to keep busy and get ready for sunday but i'm not doing too well lol. After we got off the phone, i went and watched TV and then played the sims for a little bit. Then i attempted to hook the laptop up to the internet which i've been trying to do for a few days now... i finally succeeded and i feel so accomplished. My dad said something about going out to dinner tonight to celebrate his 25th year of being in the police department which means i'll be out of the house and i'll have things to do so yay for that. Tomorrow i'm cleaning the entire house really well to help my mom out and doing some packing so that we can load up the van on Saturday and roll out of here around 9 on Sunday. Alright kids i think thats about it... later... I love you Ryan... but neither are we to look up at them

don't ever forget me... wherever you go, whatever you do, don't say i never loved you... [Saturday, June 18th, 2005] [ mood | blah ] [ music | vacuum bag- stroke 9 ] So things have been pretty good lately. Monday- took my tech and world history finals... came home and relaxed. Then started getting ready so my family could go out to dinner for my dad's birthday. So we did that and then came home and sat around the rest of the night. Tuesday- Last day. Took my band final. Then did some inventory with michael in the back room. Then took my Geometry final. I swear it was freaking hotter than the gateway to hell in there. So then i came home and talked to Ryan and we made our plans. So while we were on the phone we were waiting to hear from his dad but his cell wasn't on. So i said to him well maybe he's already on his way and doesn't know you called... a minute later his dad called saying he was on his way home. So Ryan asked him to swing by and pick me up and he said sure, if i could be ready in 5 minutes. So i rushed around and got ready and by that time his dad was here. So we headed to their house, and when i walked in Ryan scared the crap out of me. So we just went and layed down for a while and relaxed. Then we ate and relaxed some more. Then we went for a walk and got snowballs, and walked down to the water. Then we came home and got changed because we were all eww from the walk, and tackling each other into the grass and being consumed by bugs. Then we crashed on the couch and just cuddled up and relaxed. Then me rents called and said that they were there when they werent lol. So then i left around 8:45. I had an awesome night... it was one of the best of my life... it seriously was. I loved everything about that night and it reminded me of all the reasons of why i love him. I have sooo much fun whenever i'm around him... and just he really is my best friend. I can goof off, wrestle, be a complete idiot, and just finally be myself... and i won't be judged, yelled at, or anything. I love him so much. Wednesday- i woke up and lounged around and did nothing at all for the first part of it. Then around 4:30 we headed to subway. I saw Collin and he paid for my family's meal. That was nice so we tipped him and yay for Collin for saving us money. Then we headed down to the city for the baseball game. Let me say that this was my first orioles game ever. I had a lot of fun. And we won so yay. Thursday- hung out all day and then went to the mall with Kristin and then Ry met up with us. So we hung out there for a while and Ry left... then we went to blockbuster and back to Kris' house for the night. We watched hitch, and then part of whale's big adventure and then we both fell asleep. Woke up around 10 and played hardcore lax. Then my rents came and picked me up around 12 and we went to the mall and i got a bathing suit. Then we went to walmart... so i got in finally around 3. So i just relaxed the rest of the night and talked to Ry. Then today Ry and I went to see Mr. and Mrs. Smith which was good... and then came back here and hung out for a while. We ate pizza and just talked because things weren't going too well. Then we took him home and went to walmart to pick up more things for vacation and then headed home. Now i'm just sitting here doing nothing pretty much... so i leave for florida next sunday i'm really excited... next year will be my last year going down with my family... then maybe Ry and I will go down. We'll probably still be together and i mean that honestly cause hey... it's already been 2 years and we've been through hell to get this far. But i think thats enough kids... later.... HAPPY BIRTHDAY JESSICA BORMAN! i miss you! but neither are we to look up at them

no more songs about you after this one, i am done, you are, you are, you're gone... [Sunday, June 12th, 2005] [ mood | blah ] [ music | jude law and a semester abroad- brand new ] So Friday and Saturday were pretty cool. Today has barely begun and it has already sucked. Friday- Went to school... and drank some of Megan's coffee in an attempt to finish it spilled it on my white shirt. So i was all roar so Megan gave me her car keys and told me to go get a shirt out of her back seat and just give her the keys back when i saw her. Then we thought we were going to get out early so our schedule was all screwed up. We ended up not getting out so came home and my rents were both home for a change. I wasn't having a great day and it had gotten worse by coming home and finding out that i had received false information and it screwed everything up. Then because of that i treated Ryan like crap, and then i went out with my parents. We went to TGI Fridays... i called Ryan and apologized, then went back to eat and they had our order screwed up, and then i kept spilling stuff and i was not having a nice night. So we went to the Celtic store and then we werent planning on it but we went to the movies and saw Star Wars. Then we came home and i just talked to Ryan until i went to sleep. Saturday- woke up cleaned the entire house by myself and it only took 2 hours surprisingly. Then i got plans straightened out with my parents and Ryan. Well somewhat with Ryan... it was a hell of a time getting him over here. It took him 2 hours cause things kept coming up and just ugh. It wasn't his fault, but it wasn't making things any better. He eventually got here around quarter after 5. So we just relaxed and talked and goofed off. Then we ate and went to the movies. We got in for free so woot for that. Then we went to the theater and got our seats... we saw madagascar.. hehe it was cute. Then we waited for his mom, which consisted of starbucks and just talking. Then his mom came and took me home and then i just talked to him the rest of the night. Sunday- it all started while i was sleeping at exactly 5 this morning... i had a scary dream and woke up because i was cold so i put on some sweat pants... well when i layed back down my huge bee stuffed animal hit a can of soda and it spilled all over my floor, two of my stuffed animals, a box that has stuff with me and Ryan, a folder that has something Ryan drew for me, all over my books, CD's, CD player and i just started crying. So it took me a half an hour to clean up... and then i finally went back to sleep. I woke up to discover that my mom took my cell phone and just this morning has sucked it better get better. So that's been my lovely half bad/half good weekend. Only 2 more days of school both of which are half days thank God. Tomorrow i have my Tech and World History final. I think next week likr thursday and friday i might be doing something with kristin if she's up for it. But alright... that's all kids... later 14 stars aren't out tonight but neither are we to look up at them

i can't help you fix yourself, but i can't i can say i tried... [Tuesday, June 7th, 2005] [ mood | confused ] [ music | Scars- Papa Roach ] Nothing really happened today but i'll update about it anyway... tech- worked on houses, talked to Jenkins and Jenna most of the time cause Megan left. history- watched a movie on Hitler... it made me think of Niki =[ it's weird not seeing her, and Julie and all of them everyday. Then i went to take my final exam for band.. i did really well. chemistry- got there late took notes and finished up the lab. band- finished up playing tests and then just talked the rest of the time. Keno really pissed me off. I actually scrunched my hair today and he comes in and goes "is that wet!?!?!" and proceeds to grab my hair ripping out most of the gel and stuff. I was so mad... i got that all day... no my hair is not wet, my hair really dark when i scrunch it which makes it LOOK wet. stupid narfs. Then later on im talking to Cedrick and he freaking grabs my back and legs, sweeps me up off the ground and freaking twirls me about 8 times the whole time i SCREAMING for him to put me the hell down. He finally listens and i told him that if he EVER does anything to me again i'm going to beat the living hell out of him. geometry- more stupid review. lunch- eh.. ok. spanish- review and then just talked. english- review and then at the end i walked realllll fast from room 120 to room 206 with 5 minutes left of school... for of you who know kenwood... i'm surprised i made it in time. Now i'm sitting here in my hot house with no AC or pool. It's not that bad i'm used to it, but i dont like it. I have NO summer this year... for AP history i have to read Founding Brothers... and then for AP English i have to read the Scarlet Letter (which i actually like), and then Ethan Frome. On top of that i have vacations EVERYWHERE i'm going to have no time to sit back and relax even on my vacays. From June 27th i leave for FL and i don't come home until July 8th. Then my dad has off the 17th-24th of July which is realllly rare. So we're going camping in Harpers Ferry, WV (i freaking love it there) from the 21st until the 24th. Then August 2nd and 4th is precamp for band... and the 8th-11th is band camp. The following week field hockey starts... and then 2 weeks after that starts we're already back to school. I knew that this would happen but i'm not happy about it... oh well. Hopefully it pays off in college. okay well thats all... later kids... 18 stars aren't out tonight but neither are we to look up at them

this may never start, we could fall apart... and i'd be your memory... [Monday, June 6th, 2005] [ mood | accomplished ] [ music | Memory- Sugarcult ] WARNING: REALLY LONG. P.s- i don't know if i am going to use it... probably, but i don't know when i'll start... but i have another livejournal... _xnevadasgrace there is a warning about that however. I have music on it as in i put the code in so that it plays music in the background but it is Bleeding Mascara by Atreyu... for those of you that do not like that music turn the volume all the way down... but FOR EVERYONE TURN DOWN THE VOLUME BEFORE YOU GO THERE lmao... tell me what you think about the layout... thanks. So my anniversary was Saturday... i am in love. Around 12:30 i went over Ry's and we just hung out for a few hours. I wasn't feeling too great and i was really lethargic for some reason... so i just layed there and relaxed. Later on his bro was having band practice so we got kicked out of the new room which was alright so we just hung out in the family room... then we went outside and talked while our pizza cooked. After it was done we ate and relaxed and then they "brought me home". I had kinda figured out that he was coming back to my house with me but i wasn't too sure. But then when they pulled up to my house, he got out, and got his stuff and we both went in the house. So we ate snowballs and then played some ATV offroad fury 3... that was an experience lol. Then we decided to played soccer... but we had to wait to go to the church lot cause there was a grad party going on... so we played basketball in the meantime. Then we decided to play some lax and soccer. So we headed up to the church. We played for a while and then walked home. The sky was really pretty =] Then, out of the middle of nowhere he just goes... "do you want to dance" and i said yea... and right in the middle of my road (which is dead end people) we just danced. =] Then we just sat on the back steps... and discovered that my dog was playing with a toad... so we played toad rangler for a little while lol. Then we went inside and waited for it to get dark. So when it finally did get dark we both changed so that we wouldn't get eaten alive by mosquitos and we out on the front porch to look at the stars, however the streetlight and then my stupid neighbors turning their lights on ruined that. So we went around back and sat on the patio and looked at them. We sat out their for at least an hour and just talked about a lot of things and it was really nice. Then my dad came out and identified some constellations for us... then we came inside, danced some more and then his parents picked him up. I loved everything about saturday and i wouldnt trade anything about it for ANYTHING. Yesterday was just a lazy day… I woke up went to the new wal-mart in towson and bought a new comforter. Then I came home, talked to Ry, watched the race, worked on his livejournal and my new one, and then just layed around some more. Today wasn’t too bad. Tech- house History- more WWI Chem- review and lab Band- playing test… sightread the whole second half but I pwned it other then the dynamics sucked. Geometry- wrote a note and did nothing Lunch- hotter then hell and talked to Erin about things lmao Spanish- review and then assembly… no 7th period cause of the assembly… and we got out of school 15 minutes early Then I walked out to Megan’s car with her since she left the CD she burned for me out there, go figure she leaves everything in her car. Then we talked for a minute and I walked back up to the building, and waited for Ryan to get dropped off. So I went and saw my history teacher and talked to her about exams and stuff and then went to the lobby and waited. So he finally got there and oh my god it was so unbearably hot. Then his brother drove me down to stemmers (Ry thank TJ for that, I really appreciate it) Then I kinda had a lesson kinda not… then I came home and got on the net and that’s where I am still at now. I’m gonna clean in a little bit and tonight I’m just gonna take it easy. Okay kids… that’s all sorry this was so long.. later 110 stars aren't out tonight but neither are we to look up at them

and i don't know why i can't keep my eyes off of you... [Saturday, June 4th, 2005] [ mood | in love ] [ music | you and me- lifehouse ] So it's 2 years today for Ryan and I... i'm getting ready to go over and spend some time with him and i'm soooooooo excited. I never thought i'd get this far... I'm in love. I'll update later about it everybody... 16 stars aren't out tonight but neither are we to look up at them

your lipstick his collar don't bother angel i know exactly what goes on... [Tuesday, May 31st, 2005] [ mood | drained ] [ music | Cute without the E- taking back sunday ] ( *survey* ) 16 stars aren't out tonight but neither are we to look up at them

as my memory rests but never forgets what I lost wake me up when september ends... [Monday, May 30th, 2005] [ music | wake me up when september ends- green day ] Wow. Sorry i haven't updated kids just things have been looking up and it definitely makes up for everything thats happened over the course of the past few weeks. So Friday night i just relaxed since my parents went out and talked to Ryan pretty much the entire night. Saturday i don't remember what i did even though i'm pretty sure i just sat around the house and did nothing as usual. Sunday was a lot of fun. I'm going to sound like a major dork but this is what my Sunday consisted of. I woke up around 10:30 and cleaned and started getting ready for Ryan to pick me up. Once he got here we headed over to skateland lol. Other then the 2 parties going on we were the only people there. Let me tell you, i had a blast. He surprisingly didn't fall, and i was reminded of how bad i miss playing hockey. It was great because since we were the only people there i could sprint and not have to worry about dodging anyone like in the past. Then we headed back to his house and watched the race, ate, and just hung out. I left around 8 and came home and just layed around. I didn't fall asleep until about 4 because for some reason i just couldn't... i'm so glad that we didn't have school today because i would have been screwed. So i slept in until around 11 when i finally got up. I just got on the computer and waited for the Hopkins vs Duke championship lacrosse game to come on. So i watched the first 3 quarters of that and then Ryan invited me to go to the movies. He didn't know what time we were going but he presumed it would be about 4:10 so i quickly hopped in the shower, luckily i did because then he told me i had about a half an hour to get ready. So i had to hurry up and blow dry my hair and straighten it. Surprisingly i got all that done in 20 minutes and had some time to spare. Then they picked me up and we headed off to see Star Wars. So we got there and got tickets, and waited outside and got starbucks... then we went in and got seats. Wow, we had one of the smaller theators and just wow lots of people. So we watched it, and then went over to Giant... we went in for a bit and then we were freezing so we went back out to the van and sat there until his dad was done. Then they brought me home and here i am now. I absolutely love his family and just i absolutely love him. I've never felt like this, and just with only 5 more days as of tomorrow until our anniversary all of these emotions are just rushing in. His family means a lot to me, and they're pretty much my family too. They help me with things and support me and just they all mean the world to me. I'd truly be lost without them =] that's all kids... thank God schools almost over... later... but neither are we to look up at them

i took my time, i hurried up the choice was mine i didn't think enough i'm too depressed to go on... [Thursday, May 26th, 2005] [ mood | depressed and angry ] [ music | adam's song- blink 182 ] I'm warning you now that if you're one of those people who are going to be like oh my god shut up... get over it then screw you don't read it. I know a lot lately i've saying one day how things sucked and then the next that things were great well all i have to say is that the bad has come back again... i freaking hate this. I'll have one great day and then 1122181219 bad ones. Today quite frankly sucked... now it does so much worse... i'm not okay at all. Things have sucked so bad lately and i'm starting to completely lose control... i can't remember the last time i was this upset... it's been a while that i've screamed at the top of my lungs and just bawled to the point that i don't think i have anymore tears. This is the combination of my giving up, losing myself, and being so lost and confused that i don't know what to do anymore. Going back to what i said monday... (Rant- i love how people always say "i'm always here for you, i'll always be here" and then one day that you need them most, they're never there. I hate that. Don't feed me a line thinking that it will make me feel better. It only makes it worse when you don't live up to it. Therefore, when you say it, you better mean it. Then you people also wonder why i don't tell people anything, and keep it all to myself. Well, there's your answer.) It's so true i'm so tired of being pushed to the curb when i need something. I help so many other people with their problems, and lately when everything has been falling down around me no one has been there... even the people that i really need right now. Like today, apparently something was wrong beings that i was crying, blaring music, shaking horendously at lunch and how many people asked me what was wrong? no one. Do you know how much more that hurts? to know that i've been there for all of them and not one of them cared? After all the shit i've been through the past few months, and what i've helped them with as i've been dealing with things, do you know how that makes me feel? it makes me feel like nothing. I feel like i amount to nothing. I feel so used and worthless that i can't stand it... it makes me, it makes me want to be the person i used to be again. I haven't had that urge in soooooooo freaking long until today... it's been that bad. I'm definitely not okay. I don't no what to do, and now i have to go to this thing for freaking band... where i'll start bawling again, and then i know some people will ask me what's wrong, but i know half of them don't care, or will just be like aww okay... and then go talk about it and say how much of an idiot i am for acting like this. Right now i just need someone i don't even care who at this point to just hold onto me and let me cry... and there's only two people i know that would do that... and they're not here........ and never are.......... 14 stars aren't out tonight but neither are we to look up at them

this much i know is true... that god blessed the broken road, that led me straight to you... [Wednesday, May 25th, 2005] [ mood | optimistic ] [ music | Broken Road- Rascal Flatts ] Right now i'm at the police station with my dad and i'm bored so i'll update. Things have been looking up a bit since sunday night and monday. I'm feel a bit better. Today was alright i guess. I had the Geometry HSA from 7:45 until 11. Then went to band and we set up the pit for the senior farewell stuff tomorrow and signed yearbooks. That kinda threw me through a loop a bit... some people said one thing others said something else, but i completely agree with what the person wrote cause yea, it would be really nice if that could happen. Then Geometry it was a really short period so we just sat around and got grade sheets in which i have a freaking 87 grr... i want my A, and then got papers back. Then lunch, same as usual. Then spanish we did more of Don Quijote and most of my class complained about us reading about some crazy guy, who takes on a windmill... the only thing is i know about the windmill they don't beings that i already know the story of Don Quijote, so i just sit there and suck it up lol. Then English we did some nifty little paper cause she knew we had testing. After school i had a meeting for AP US History and let's just say i am going to have a lot on my hands next year. However, its US history which i absolutely love since it has the revolutionary war, civil war, and world wars, and when you're a war buff like me, that's a beautiful thing lol. After the meeting i ran out of the room in hopes of catching Ryan, and luckily i did. He bus had just gotten there and his aunt was late picking him up. I was so freaking happy, that made my day just to see him for 20 minutes. It was nice cause when he got picked up, my dad had just gotten there and i wasn't by myself so yay for that. Tomorrow is going to be crazy. I'll have the farewell thing tomorrow at 8:45 so i'll miss World history for the 4th straight day (i havent had class since last friday but we even had a sub so its pretty much a week lol) and then i'll miss chemistry. Then combined rehersals with concert band for tomorrow night and then back to the screwed up classes. Then tomorrow night i have the senior scholarship stuff. Friday i might be going to Jeremy's show depending on how much information i find out about it and when. This weekend i think i'm just gonna kick back and relax. As for tonight, i am getting my haircut finally, and i think i have to go to Sams Club but i have no idea. I need to get new pencils since i seriously lost them all cause i left them on the stands in band and i only use lead pencils cause i'm an idiot. Okay that's all kids... later... 15 stars aren't out tonight but neither are we to look up at them

and i don't know why, i can't keep my eyes off of you... [Monday, May 23rd, 2005] [ mood | weird ] [ music | you and me- lifehouse ] So last night sucked major ass. I would have liked nothing better then to die last night but i made it through. It was my fault but still. So this morning was hell. I couldn't wait to get to school. So when i got there i actually went to the cafeteria so i could see Sara and Mike. Yeah, i know i was in a bad mood cause of the hell from last night, but they didn't say a word to me. I don't blame them but i needed someone and yah Strike 1. So then i went to testing and a lot of my class was there. I sat alone and just yeah, no one talked to me. Strike 2. Then i had the HSA testing. Wow that was the easiest thing ever. Then after testing class. All of our classes were shortened which was pretty stupid but whatever. So only missed tech, world history, and chemistry. Band- played. Geometry- just did a drill, passed back papers, and played bingo. Lunch- normal as usual. Spanish- Don Quijote English- absolutely nothing. Then i came home unwillingly and talked to Ryan... that made me feel a lot better. I told my mom how i felt about the situation and that i honestly didn't want to be in this house and thats why i ran out this morning and didnt say goodbye. And then we were in a heated conversation. Rant- i love how people always say "i'm always here for you, i'll always be here" and then one day that you need them most, they're never there. I hate that. Don't feed me a line thinking that it will make me feel better. It only makes it worse when you don't live up to it. Therefore, when you say it, you better mean it. Then you people also wonder why i don't tell people anything, and keep it all to myself. Well, there's your answer. Thank God for Ryan, he kinda brought all this crap with me on and just he's helping me a lot by actually being there and caring. I realized that i have pretty much lost everyone other then him. He is my best friend and my boyfriend, and just what else could i ask for. He's been my biggest fan, and just the best person to me even when i haven't really treated him the same lately. So yeah, Ryan... i love you and i'm very sorry for the way i've been acting lately. I shouldn't take it out on you. But i love that we are getting through this and have yet to have our first fight. I love you very much and thanks so much for everything. We're only 12 days away from 2 years. I can't wait. that is all... later kids... 16 stars aren't out tonight but neither are we to look up at them

just to see if it would show that i'm trying to let you know, that i'm better off on my own... [Sunday, May 22nd, 2005] [ mood | crushed ] [ music | pieces- sum 41 ] Things have been mediocre lately... screw wednesday, thursday, and friday... i don't remember or care about them. Yesterday was probably the highlight of things lately. All i have to say is thank you Erin Diehl, Jasper Graham, David Muth, Mr. Ted, Jeff and Chris Gardener, and Amanda Bradley for one of the best days i've had in a while. It let me get things off my mind, and have fun and be myself for a day. Anyway... yesterday i went to Hershey Park with some band kids. We left at like 8:15 and didn't get home until 11. It was a lot of fun... we rode coasters all freaking day... we rode... the comet, the superdooperlooper, the great bear, the trailblazer, the wildcat twice, lightning racer, storm runner, bumper cars, and the carousel. It was so much fun. We did all the coasters consectutively with essentially led to a major headache, and back pains. The bus ride home was interesting to say the least with somethings. But it was alright. Ering fell asleep and rolled onto me. That was funny as hell. I love those kids so much. Maybe i'll go into more detail when i'm in a better mood. Right now, i'm just not. Today i woke up at 9 after going to bed at 1. I wasn't happy at all. I then begged my mom to see Ryan... it worked after a bit. Then we got ready, went to walmart and i got new sheets and a comforter thank God. Then we picked up Ryan and came back here. Then we layed around, i cleaned up my room and then got a shower, and we layed around some more and watched national treasure. Then we ate dinner and thats when things started to go a bit downhill. Things have been so screwed up lately, i'm starting to hate everything in Maryland, i wanna get the hell out of here so bad. I don't know how much more of this i can take. I'm tired of questioning things that shouldn't be questioned, i'm tired of everything. I don't know why all of a sudden i'm changing my mind, but i am. It's leaving me frustrated, upset, and confused. I hate being me. I don't know if i can take this anymore... 14 stars aren't out tonight but neither are we to look up at them

these are the moments i thank God i'm alive, and these are the moments i'll remember all my life... [Tuesday, May 17th, 2005] [ mood | so in love and really happy ] [ music | i could not ask for more- edwin mccain ] This will be mushy. Get over it. You have been warned. I have the sweetest boyfriend in this entire world. I really fell in love... I say this for this reason: Today has been horrible... i have felt like crying all day for one reason or another and just the hits just kept hitting today. So i talked to him when i got home and he had to go play at a concert tonight, and he knew that today has been horrible for me. Well at 8:20... i get a call from him saying "baby, i'm in a t-shirt and shorts and it's cold out here" much like the call i got on Valentine's day. And i went "umm okay? any point to this..." cause i thought he was still at the concert. And he says "well can you let me in please?" and i just kept saying "stop messing with me you are not on my porch" because he has messed around with that before. Well then he makes the comment "well your front door is a great shade" and i was like "oh my god you are here" and by that time my mom was knocking on my door going, umm why is Ryan here? So in gym shorts, a t-shirt and soaking wet hair i went into the living room and nevertheless he was standing on my front porch =] I almost started crying just because he was there and because he always knows how to make everything so much better. So we just stood on my front porch just holding onto each other for like 10 minutes... and just in those 10 minutes my mood had completely changed, and just everything that had happened went away. I just kept laughing, i couldn't believe that he was actually there... i couldn't believe that he had done that for me. It wa s so hard to let him go again, but i had to. It wasn't easy but i did. Just its the little things like that, that make everything worth it. That make not seeing him everyday, and facing doubts and obstacles everyday worth it. He makes it all worth it. We've been through so much and just aww... i love him. I'm so excited for 2 years and i'm so excited for all of the good things to come with our relationship. I've never felt this way, and just he's the sweetest person i have ever met... he puts up with me, and understands me. Just, i'm in love in there is nothing that will ever be able to change the way i feel about him. 112 stars aren't out tonight but neither are we to look up at them

say you'll share with me one love, one lifetime... say the word and i will follow you... [Monday, May 16th, 2005] [ mood | drained ] [ music | all I ask of you- phantom of the opera ] I seriously need to get better with updating... the problem is that i have either not been in the mood to update, nothing has happened, or i just dont have time. Anyway... this weekend was alright. Friday i stayed after for next years planning for marching band... i left early to go to my lesson at stemmers... but apparently some tempers started flaring. I'm glad i left early. Friday night i completely cleaned out my closet cause i was so tired of all of the crap in it. Then i relaxed and watched the race. Saturday i woke up early and went to solo and ensemble. I love how i got the childrens room and there was a huge spongebob and bear in there that i wanted realllll bad. I was like "well at least if this lady massacres me i can grab the cute bear for moral support" but i played... i definitely didn't do as well as i did at the county one, but i still got a I so yay for that. Then we went out for lunch with ms. matta... then we came home and got changed and ran over to wal-mart to get things for my room. Then when i came home i completely reorganized it and i feel a lot better. Then i cleaned up my room a bit and went out and watched the race with my parents. Kasey Kahne got his first win, that definitely added to the joy of my day =] Sunday i woke up and cleaned some more until i had to stop cause my back was killing me. Then Ryan came over around 2:30. We watched phantom of the opera and just hung out until dinner time. Then we had dinner, and went outside and played soccer. Haha. Then i like tackled him and we were all sprawled out in my yard... and my neighbors probably thought we are crazy... but we are so what can i say. Then we came inside and crashed on my bed. I didn't feel good =/ and i don't think he did either... so we just layed on my bed until it was time to take him home. I love him so much... as of tomorrow on 18 more days until 2 years, and i'm pretty syked about that ♥  Then today... this morning sucked. I was forgetting everything, running late, and i just wasnt too happy. Tech we went over questions. History we started the industrial revolution. Chem we started a lab thats due tomorrow, i guess i should work on that a bit. Band we played and the seniors conducted... i'm gonna miss them... tomorrow they start exams so good luck to those of you that go tomorrow i know you'll do great. Geometry we did review. Lunch was fun as usual... and i'm hanging out with Erin at Hershey, yay for that. Spanish we worked more on ¿qué es un heroé? i'm getting tired of it. Then english we took notes and did a packet. Then i came home, and talked to Ryan, ate dinner, did homework, and just relaxed. This week is gonna be busy after school too. Blah. But whatever. ( *survey thingy* ) 119 stars aren't out tonight but neither are we to look up at them

i wish i could explain myself the words escape me... its too late to save me... its too late... [Tuesday, May 10th, 2005] [ mood | apathetic and numb ] [ music | Stockholm Syndrome- Blink 182 ] I don't remember anything that happened last week therefore its just not important. Yesterday sucked, there were a few reasons why it did, but it wasnt that bad... but just there wasn't anything good about it. Today was blah too. I didn't have first or second period because of a play. Then Chemistry we took a test and what not. Band we played. Geometry we did a worksheet and talked about things we can do for review. Lunch wasn't too bad just talked to all my friends. Spanish we finished up the last of the presentations, and started another writing piece. And i pretty much wrote the whole opening paragraph of Megan's canidate speech since i'm good with stuff like that. Then english we just talked about finals. Then i went upstairs to help niki, went and got Ryan and then we came back up. Yeah, i'm really sorry Niki about not doing as much as i should have today... part of it would be trying to find pictures, and trying to fix all of the pictures that hannah got confused. I'm sorry i'll do more tomorrow before i walk to stemmers. Then Ry and i walked around for a bit when his dad came to get us, and they brought me home. Things have been rough for me lately, and i havent talked to anyone... i don't talk to Sara that much anymore cause of our classes, and i think we're starting to drift a bit which sucks and i miss her a lot, and i haven't really talked to Ryan about the way i've been feeling... i'm starting to go back to the way i was for a long time... maybe i need to. I've been feeling scared and confused and just i haven't been too good lately. I need to start looking out for myself better... i need to start worrying about myself a lot more than i have been. I feel so alone right now, and i've been having this feeling a lot lately, and i know it's been hurting people but its like i don't even care. I've been saying things that i don't mean and then when someone is there for me i push them away and don't listen. I've been so apathetic its not funny, i'm so completely numb to everything around me and just blah. Part of it is something thats in a little under a month that i should be happy about, but right now i'm not feeling too happy about it. One day i'll be ecstatic about it and the next its almost like i could careless. I don't want to hurt them, but i don't know what to do. I care a lot i guess, but lately just... i don't know. 1 4|\/| 71|23|) 0|= 7|-|15. |>13453 570|D 4|\||) 90 4|/\|4¥. Anyway... I can't wait for summer when i can just be home alone all day and not have to worry about anything and just have sometime for only me and no one else. I am looking forward to that so much. I'm looking forward to getting out of Baltimore for 2 straight weeks and not having anything about this place with me. Just i need to get away. Like right now i want to runaway so bad... i never run from my problems, and i never have. But right now i really want to. I want pick everything i own up and leave, and only leave behind a note, and then never look back... just erase my memory of this place and start over new. That day will come soon enough and i can't wait... St. Simons, here i come...   i should be used to this by now... i pick myself up off the ground only to fall again. You'd think i'd give up i was going to about this time last year. Yet for some reason i hung in there... only to meet the same fate a million times over... 111 stars aren't out tonight but neither are we to look up at them

tell me a reason worth fighting for, give me anything, anything to keep me breathing... [Tuesday, May 3rd, 2005] [ mood | frustrated ] [ music | your stories, my alibis- matchbook romance ] i'm not okay. i promise. And just as easy as it is to be happy and not have a moment of sadness… that happiness can easily be taken away in a matter of seconds. But I guess that’s just the story of my life. And I’m learning to deal with it. This summer will make 4 years and I don’t know how much more of it I can take. God, send me something to keep me going because right now I’m falling apart again. Everything I worked so hard to build back up just all shattered to the ground again. I need something, and right now I don’t care what it is… just I need something, anything. Speak to me. Tell me something so typical, a lullaby or something miserable that will keep me up at night. Cross out my eyes. I know you planned it. You know i love you and i can't stand it we just lost control, we just lost control. Lie to me give me something worth living for, tell me a reason worth fighting for, give me anything, anything to keep me breathing. Lie to me, give me something worth living for, tell me a reason worth fighthing for, give me anything, anything to keep me breathing. Lie to me tell me a story so beautiful, an epic or something so terrible, that it makes me weep. Cross out these days on your calendar it hurts me so much and i'm not quite sure I care anymore 14 stars aren't out tonight but neither are we to look up at them

I know you'll make it through, i'll never be around to see... [Monday, May 2nd, 2005] [ mood | contemplative ] [ music | giving up- silverstein ] Things are looking up again and i'm enjoying it. I'm also feeling a lot better then i was all of last week. It took me over a week to start feeling better... probably because i had a lesson last wednesday, i played at stemmers concert thursday night, and then friday i had a morning performance, and then the concert that night. The concert went really well and we had the awards thing afterwards... and just that kinda bummed me out again but i'll get to that later. Let me just say that i love my friends. So all that didn't help with the fact that i've felt like crap but i'm doing a lot better now. oh and yay for Wednesday... that will make 1 year and 11 months for Ryan and I... wow is all i can say about that. This weekend was pretty awesome. Saturday i just layed around and took some time to relax and recooperate. Then Sunday we picked up Ryan around 11:30 and he came over and watched the Talladega race with me. We just hung out in my room and watched the race and goofed off. Then we had dinner and just layed around some more. Then he left around 7:30 and then i did my project for spanish and relaxed for a little bit and went to bed. Today wasn't too bad. Tech- tested our bridge, it held like 22 pounds. World history- took a test that we all probably failed Chemistry- found out that no one has an A or B we all have C's, D's, or E's which SUCKS. I'm not too happy but its my own fault. She said that if the class doesnt have a B average on the rest we have 250 homework problems for 2 nights due the next night. And she isn't joking. She said that they won't be graded, they'll be checked for participation but that she will go through them. Band- evaluation and watched the video. Geometry- sin, tan, cos stuff Lunch- quite interesting =P Spanish- Ms. Baxter taught today and we just went through adj's and stuff English- test Then when i came home me and the rents went out to the sprint store, and to eat and what not. Man May is always so damn busy. I hate it but whatever. Tomorrow i am staying to help Niki, and then the same thing Thursday before i go to my lesson. Then this weekend is mother's day... and we are finishing up the remodeling of my bathroom, and then Sunday we're taking her out and all. Then next week i have a lesson, and then pre-performances for solo and ensemble, and then Solo and Ensemble on Saturday. Then that Sunday i am going out to lunch with my mom and dad, and my dad's friend from the Air Force that he just got back in touch with which is pretty cool. Then the following weekend i have hershey park with the band which is pretty cool. But blah May lol. Any way back to what i was starting to say... the band thing kinda bummed me out. Cause all of my senior friends are leaving me. Just i am really going to miss them. I started to get pretty close to some of them this year and just they are awesome people to be around. They pick me up when i'm down and just make me happy. Just throughout this year whenever i've been sad a lot of them have been there for me. Like with marching band i was all upset and Niki, Julie, and Lauren were all there for me. Then i remember a certain person made a comment and Jasper and Scott stood up for me. And then David has always been there. And then Jessie's a lot of fun to be around. Just i love those kids and it's not going to be the same without them. Then when my friends that are a year older then me graduate next year i'm gonna be screwed since the majority of them are a year older. But that's what growing up is all about. Losing people you love, learning to move on, and dealing with what is thrown at you. P.s- i need to start updating more often so i don't leave you all with a huge post like this. 116 stars aren't out tonight but neither are we to look up at them

look how pretty she is when she falls down, now there's no beauty in bleeding mascara... [Tuesday, April 26th, 2005] [ mood | depressed ] [ music | Bleeding Mascara- Atreyu ] so i'm breaking down. yah it's been a while but congratulations to me for lasting this long before doing it again. I'm so tired of people and just the life that i lead in general. I hate Baltimore, i hate me, i hate everything. And to the people out there going "oh there she goes overreacting as usual..." i have one thing to say. Screw you. I'm done with this. I'm so tired of it... 128 stars aren't out tonight but neither are we to look up at them

I'm holding your heart in my hands... the reason it still beats... [Tuesday, April 26th, 2005] [ mood | lazy ] [ music | Demonology and Heartache- Atreyu ] So i stayed home today cause i felt like crap. I feel a little bit better, i'm not as sick as i was but i'm not completely better. I hate missing two days of school so close together, but just i needed to stay home and recoop a little bit and there was no other day this week i could. I woke up and went in and talked to my parents and they left the decision to me and they were kinda mad or whatever even though they feel just as crappy as i do. So i started getting ready for school and all and i went in and told my mom that i was leaving in a few minutes and she asked why and i told cause she was mad and she was like i'm not mad, i know that you're sick and she mad me go lay down. So i slept until about 11:40 and my dad came in so i relocated to the couch where i just watched t.v. Then he went to work and after school let out Ry called so i talked to him for a little while. Why is it the week i'm sick i get slammed with things to do... and the funny thing is it's always band related meaning that i have to play when i can't breathe! But tomorrow i have to go down stemmers and play with them, and then rehearse my solo for solo and ensemble with them, and for their concert on Thursday since my teacher asked me to play that night too. Then Thursday i have Stemmers' concert at 6:30 and she's hinting at me to play with their festival band blah. Then Friday i have an assembly for the Pop's concert, and then the Pop's concert that night. Tomorrow should be nice if everything goes as planned. Ryan's going to my lesson with me, and then possibly coming back here afterwards, so that makes for a good day... and then this weekend he'll probably come over for the Talladega race hehe. I love him. But that's about it kids... hopefully everyone feels better then i do. later kids... 12 stars aren't out tonight but neither are we to look up at them

I found all i've waited for, and I could not ask for more... [Sunday, April 24th, 2005] [ mood | loved ] [ music | I could not ask for more- Edwin McCain ] Today was amazing and i'm so in love. I'm so sick. It's horrible. I really don't want to go to school tomorrow but i have to because i have to go to stemmers after school. blah. But whatever. I can't believe this is the last week of April. Soon some of my friends will be graduating, and come next year a lot of my friends will be seniors. I can't believe that i'm already almost half way through highschool. It has its good points and its bad points i guess. Time is going by so fast. Please do this everyone... i took it from Maya Post your name, and I'll tell you what I love about you. I'm in an awesome mood... i love feeling like this. I haven't really been upset in a long time and just i'm loving every second of it. 116 stars aren't out tonight but neither are we to look up at them

Who calls out my name... who can tell me what happens, when my eyes close for the last time... [Saturday, April 23rd, 2005] [ mood | tired ] [ music | The Remembrance Ballad- Atreyu ] I definitely have the stomach flu and have succeeded in passing it throughout my family =] My parents went out last night and whenever they do i have to stay up until they get in... well they didn't get in until quarter of 2. I crashed around 2:30. I woke up at 11:55 which is really, really late and it made me feel like i had wasted my whole day... but i needed to catch up on all the sleep that i have lost the past 2 weeks. Then i layed around for a while and then watched the Hopkins-Navy lacrosse game with my rents. Navy lost in OT 9-8 =[ Maybe next year. Then i layed around for a little while longer and then started cleaning. I cleaned the living room really well. After a while my parents and i watched Brian's Song while it thunderstormed. I love that movie, and i love thunderstorms. So after the movie i finished the living room and then got a shower and had a milkshake and watched some of the race. Then i started to clean the kitchen and that's done for the most part. Then i did most of the bathroom. Now i only have my bedroom and i'm good to go. I can't wait to see Ryan hopefully tomorrow. I miss him a lot just because it's been a hectic week and i just want to spend some time with him. Plus i just need to kick back and relax all day tomorrow and i can do that with him. I was supposed to go to the mall and movies with Kristin tonight but decided not to cause i feel horrible, and plus my parents were like it's going to storm really bad. I miss her... i can hopefully see her sometime soon. Along with her i really want to see Jordan ause i haven't in a little while and we haven't talked that much. And i want to see or at least talk to Sara. We haven't really talked in a while, and i dont see her at school. It sucks. That's pretty much it... later kids. 12 stars aren't out tonight but neither are we to look up at them

while you were sleeping, i was listening to the radio and wondering what your dreaming... [Wednesday, April 20th, 2005] [ mood | busy ] [ music | Rest Stop- Matchbox 20 ] Things have been going really well. It's been a while since the last time i had a breakdown... even though i think i am on the urge of one now but its been over a week which is really unusual for me but i'm loving it. I never updated about Sunday, but let's just say that i spent pretty much the whole day with Ryan, and i had a lot of fun. I love him a lot. And Monday and Tuesday were just as any other day. Today was alright. Tech- built more of the bridge. World History- more reading on the Age of Enlightenment and talked about the Salon for Friday now thank god. Chem- pre lab and a worksheet Band- played. Geometry- classwork and then notebooks. Lunch- same as anyday... filled with a lot of laughing, telling Joe Powell to shut up, and sexual inuendos. Spanish- shields and went over the packet. English- just regular classwork. And now i'm home. I have a really bad headache, and pain has been shooting in my wrist ever since last night and it hasn't gone away yet. There is seriously something wrong with it but whatever. My parents have been pissing me off lately. I'll ask them a question and they'll scoff at it and get all sarcastic and not answer me and i'm freaking tired of it. Yes, i am a very sarcastic person and i do the same thing a lot but not to them. And just roar... i hate this family sometimes but i'll get over it. I've had a lot of crap on my mind lately but i'm getting through it and i'm proud of myself for a change. Tonight i have the Tri-M inductions and me and Julia have a duet, so i'm working on that now while my parents are going to get the ice and cake. I have to be over there at 5:30 so i should go get a shower and eat so that all i have to do is scrunch my hair and get dressed. So yeah i think i'm going to go do that now. Sorry that this post sucks but yeah... later kids 16 stars aren't out tonight but neither are we to look up at them

and just like James i'll be drinking irish tonight.. [Sunday, April 17th, 2005] [ mood | happy and kinda sleepy ] [ music | a pint of guiness makes you stronger- Aganist Me! ] New Layout everyone... please tell me what you all think =] 110 stars aren't out tonight but neither are we to look up at them

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